A Thanksgiving survival guide for parents of picky eaters

Parents, if you've experienced a Thanksgiving Day with kids who refuse to eat, judgmental questions from relatives on the topic and party-ending meltdowns from those hangry children ... you've come to the right place.

We've got the expert scoop on how to lessen the parenting struggle of a holiday that just so happens to completely revolve around food.

This practical advice is just for you — for the parent of the kid who won't eat even a bite of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, no matter how much prep or advance planning you do. Regardless of what your kid does or doesn't eat (or what your relatives say about it), you're doing a great job.

Acknowledge that the stakes are high

"On Thanksgiving we talk about being thankful, but really the discussion and the main show is the food, the food, the food," says Kristin Kirkpatrick, former lead dietitian at Cleveland Clinic and founder of KAK Consulting. 

The amount of food alone may be visually overwhelming, and there are a handful of things — like a whole turkey and cranberry sauce, for example — that are not usually on your dinner table.

There is “a lot of commotion and a lot of expectation” around the meal, says Arielle “Dani” Lebovitz, food parenting expert and creator of Kid Food Explorers. “So even if you have a child who is normally not particular about food, (they) might feel very different around the holidays — and it’s for a good reason.”

Be empathetic to sensory overload

Lebovitz says that although parents tend to zero in on their kids' issues with food, the problem may not be about the food at all. Kids can have a hard time dealing with new smells, unfamiliar people, lots of movement and holiday tension in the air.

She urges parents to consider the environment and the people in addition to the food. Consider bringing headphones to muffle the sound of football, review photos of guests in advance so they know who to expect or bring familiar plates and utensils for the meal.

Always have a "safe" food

“Having some familiar foods on the plate can make kids more comfortable and decrease the stress around mealtime,” says Dr. Katie Lockwood, pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. “Knowing that there is something they will definitely eat means that they can participate in the social aspects of the Thanksgiving meal.”

Kirkpatrick says that the “safe” food doesn’t necessarily have to fit the Thanksgiving theme, but you could try deconstructing some holiday favorites in advance.

For example, she calls stuffing “the perfect storm for a picky eater” because of its varied textures, colors and flavors. Start early by introducing your child to a “stuffing” that is simply toast and butter. Then perhaps add a carrot. And on Thanksgiving Day, create a version of stuffing that works for your child even if it’s different than the stuffing on the table.

Involve kids in the process

“In study after study after study, involving kids in the process of making food typically helps with a little bit more openness to try foods, or to eat foods that they disliked in the past,” says Kirkpatrick.

You can take kids grocery shopping, ask them to wash or chop ingredients or help prepare their “safe” food. You can also challenge kids to eat as many different colors as they can find.

“Color is a direct association with the nutrient density, and color only comes from plants. So it it’s a roundabout way of saying, ‘Eat all your vegetables,’” Kirkpatrick tells TODAY.com.

Offer a meal before the meal

Lebovitz, a mom of three, tends to feed her kids their favorite “nutrient dense” meals early in the day when she knows they’ll be going to a holiday dinner later.

“They are their best selves when they arrive with happy tummies, so they can be present and enjoy the parts of the holiday beyond the meal — and that’s making memories and spending time with friends and family,” she shares.

Plus, you may be able to avoid hunger-induced meltdowns.

Lockwood adds, “I also love a glass of milk, which offers protein and fat, as a complement to a nutrient-limited meal.”

Use positive reinforcement

Forget about offering dessert only if your child eats a particular food or requiring them to join the “clean plate club.”

Kirkpatrick points out that studies suggest that rules, bribes and punishments don't work. Positive reinforcement does.

“If your kid was able to try one thing on the table say, ‘Hey, I’m really proud of you. That that was awesome.’ Positive reinforcement tends to keep kids more calm and in a more stress-free mindset,” says Kirkpatrick.

Respectfully communicate with opinionated family

It can be extremely complicated to deal with family members who do not know — or care — about food struggles your child may be having.

Lebovitz calls these relatives “food pushers.”

If someone insists that your child try “just one bite,” she suggests saying, “We’re going to let our child eat whatever she wants, and she can help herself, and she can eat what order she wants to eat in. We don’t require bites or talk about what she has or hasn’t eaten. We just let her be in charge of her own body.”

Lockwood urges steering the conversation from food to your child’s strengths: “For example, when Auntie says, ‘Why doesn’t she eat anything?’ you can say, “Did you know what a great artist she is? Why don’t I show you her latest creation?’”

Older kids may be able to answer some of these comments themselves, Kirkpatrick notes. So if great-grandma Marge asks your 9-year-old to try her famous Jell-O casserole, you can coach your child to say, “No, thank you” and move on.

Let them eat bread!

All three of our experts say that if kids only eat bread and butter for Thanksgiving dinner, it isn't a tragedy. Holidays are a tough time to encourage your kids to try new things.

“Remember that Thanksgiving dinner is one meal — if your child regularly eats a balanced diet, it’s OK if Thanksgiving is all carbs or 90% pie,” says Lockwood. 

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from Today:

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