A child's resilience is deeply rooted in the resilience of their caregiver, as decades of research demonstrate. Still, the implication that caregivers need to prioritize their own wellbeing can feel counterintuitive in a society that often tells us our needs as parents, and especially as mothers, come last.

I can relate. When my three children were young, I believed being a good mom meant pouring every ounce of myself into my children. No sacrifice was too great. 

In striving to do and be everything for my kids, I often neglected my own needs, like sleep, downtime and time with friends. I accepted that living in a state of stress was simply the tax of parenting well. 

But then I interviewed hundreds of families and several leading researchers for my book "Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It."

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One of the most important things I learned is that, when we sacrifice ourselves, we risk losing what our children need most: a strong and resilient caregiver.

Here are the key things I wish I'd known earlier about building my own resilience as a parent:

Your wellbeing affects your child's wellbeing

When parents are overwhelmed, it's hard to be the patient, present caregiver our kids need. That's when "proximal separation" can sneak in — a term psychologists use to describe when a parent is physically present but emotionally unavailable because of stress, depression or burnout. 

Our children are remarkably perceptive. But they may misinterpret our distracted or irritable moments as signs that something must be wrong with them. When parents struggle emotionally, children are more likely to face emotional challenges, too, studies find.

Here are a few ways to bolster your personal resilience as a parent:

• Check in with yourself daily. Ask yourself, "How am I feeling today, really?" Naming emotions is the first step to managing them. If you're struggling, reach out to a friend for support. As psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell puts it, promise yourself to "never worry alone."
• Schedule stress reducers. Just 15 minutes of quiet downtime, focused on meeting your own needs, can leave you feeling recharged. Notice what refills your cup — talking with a friend, reading a book, sipping a cup of tea, taking a bubble bath, listening to a meditation app — and make time to engage with it daily.
• Seek professional help if needed. Therapy or counseling is an investment in your and your family's health. If you're in crisis, you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (800) 273-8255, or the Crisis Text Line has crisis counselors available via text (send "HOME" to 741741), WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger. For longer term care, reach out to your doctor for a referral. 

Resilience doesn't happen in a vacuum—you need others to share the load

We all know that for a young person to thrive, they need a sturdy adult in their lives. But for sturdy adults to thrive, they need sturdy adults, too. 

As a young parent, I used to think I had to handle everything alone. But parenting isn't meant to be a solo act — it's a team sport. The myth of the "do-it-all parent" is a fast track to isolation and burnout. 

Leaning on friends, family, or a support group not only eases your load but strengthens your emotional health. Research has found that just one hour a week spent with supportive people can lower stress and make parenting feel less overwhelming. Don't be afraid to create your own group.

• Issue an invitation. Text a few parents you feel close to and say you want to build a crew of support. You'll meet just one hour a week for connection and encouragement.
• Be consistent. You might build this group into an "article club" or "book club," and spend twenty minutes discussing a news article or novel and the remaining time sharing the ups and downs of your parenting journeys. Or, you might make this a weekly walking club. If getting together is hard with young kids, schedule a weekly Zoom during nap time. The venue or theme of the meeting doesn't matter. What matters is offering each other consistent support. 
• Choose your people wisely. For this support group to work, you need to feel safe. Find people you're comfortable being open with and who, in return, are willing to be open with you. What makes this intentional time feel supportive is having people in your life who make you feel seen and heard, just as you try to do for your children.

Another valuable way I've found to feel more resilient is to build community. Here are some ways to get started: 

• Normalize carpooling. Arrange shared rides for school drop-offs, sports, or extracurriculars with local parents.
• Start a meal train. Join forces with five to six other families. Each family cooks one large meal weekly to share, freeing up other evenings.
• Organize a cheering squad. If you or a parent friend can't attend a child's event, assign yourselves as cheering surrogates, and swap updates and videos with each other. I'm so grateful to the parents who send me videos of my children and updates for the games I cannot attend.

Collaboration isn't just practical; it builds a sense of security around your child. It shows them that they have a deep bench of support, no matter what. And you do too. 

Remember, taking care of yourself is taking care of your child. When you nurture your wellbeing, you create a stronger foundation for everyone in your family. Parenting is one of life's greatest challenges — and its greatest joys. By leaning into relationships, you'll build the resilience you and your child need to thrive.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of "Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It." After graduating from Harvard College, Wallace began her journalism career at  CBS "60 Minutes," where she was part of a team that won The Robert F. Kennedy Awards for Excellence in Journalism. She is a Journalism Fellow at the The Center for Parent and Teen Communication at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.

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