Parents typically want their children to be resilient — able to rebound from setbacks and handle challenges on their path to becoming successful adults.
"Tough love" isn't necessarily the way to achieve it, says child psychologist Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development and author of the recently published book "Raising Resilience."
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"One of the misconceptions [about resilience] is often people think it's like a tough love. You know: 'Buck up and just do this,'" Klein tells CNBC Make It. "I see it as a more empathic, connected [approach]. 'This might be hard, and I'll be here when you're done.'"
A tough love parenting approach is often associated with harsh punishments and parents who are more likely than most to dismiss their kids' complaints. It can effectively keep children from breaking rules, but when used in the extreme, it can damage kids' self-esteem and their ability to think for themselves, psychologists say.
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The opposite approach — attempting to shield your children from all negativity or disappointment — won't help build resilience either, says Klein. Kids need to experience setbacks so they can learn how to handle tough moments with maturity, and develop the motivation to keep going, she says.
Instead, parents who are supportive no matter what are the most likely to instill mental toughness and resilience that'll help children navigate life's most difficult moments, says Klein: "It's a message of: 'I trust you to get through this hard thing, and I'll be here no matter how it goes, whether you win, whether you lose, whether you come in the middle. I'm here for you.'"
Another "misnomer" that Klein notices from some parents: the idea that resilience is an inborn trait, when it's actually something that parents can model and teach to their kids, she says. In her book, Klein outlines "five pillars of resilience" — from encouraging openness around emotions to fostering children's ability to connect with others — that are meant to illustrate how parents can help their kids develop mental strength.
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For example, you can help children learn to regulate their emotions by regularly asking how they're feeling, and making sure they know that you'll still love and support them when they're sad, angry or otherwise not feeling their best. That unconditional acceptance helps build the confidence they'll need to be resilient as they grow up and become more independent, says Klein.
But most simply, your best bet for preparing kids for the challenges they'll face in life is to offer the sort of steady love and support that instills in them a simple belief, she says: "That I'm not going to be alone."
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