Parents who raise kids who are mentally stronger than most do these 6 things

What if there were something you could do to help your child succeed in life, but you weren't doing it yet? 

I'm talking about helping your child become mentally stronger, which is easy to overlook with everything else that demands your parental attention. But it's more essential than ever, given that kids face so many triggers for self-doubt, fear, and anxiety, and so many barriers to resilience, focus, and positivity.

I've been studying mental strength for three decades. That work recently culminated in my book "The Mentally Strong Leader." And I've applied my findings both to help adults and to help parents assist their kids. 

I've seen firsthand the impact that teaching mental strength can have: My own daughter, who learned to handle the challenging environments of middle and high school with resilience and confidence, was able to successfully transition into college and the "real world."

You, too, can help your kids become confident, resilient, positive-minded problem-solvers. It starts by nurturing their mental strength in these six ways.

1. Kids love asking 'Why?' Marshall that curiosity

If you have kids, you've likely endured a barrage of "Why?" questions: "Why, Mommy?" "Why do we have to do that, Daddy?" "But why?" 

Take that inquisitive spirit and put it to good use. Teach kids to be good problem solvers by using the Five Whys analytical approach pioneered by Japanese inventor and industrialist Sakichi Toyoda, whose son established the automaker Toyota. 

Foster kids' instinct to keep asking, "Why?" until they get to the root of a problem. Often, the root cause emerges around the fifth repetition of the question.

Say they aren't getting their allowance this week, for example, which is a problem for them. Help them get analytical as follows, maybe even making a game out of it:

• Why aren't you getting your allowance? Because you didn't wash the dishes like you said you would.
• Why didn't you wash the dishes? Because you played video games instead.
• Why were you playing video games when you knew you shouldn't be? Because you didn't put them away. They were in front of the TV, ready to go.
• Why didn't you put them away when I told you to? Because you weren't listening.
• Why weren't you listening? Because that's a bad habit you need to work on.

The point is, problem-solving starts by digging into why an issue occurred, so you can address the root cause. Help your child build this habit when they're analyzing any problem, and you help them become mentally stronger. 

2. Help them focus on authenticity, not approval

Kids seek their parents' approval. It's natural. But approval-seeking becomes unhealthy when it turns into a constant search for external validation. You can begin to migrate away from your authentic self. 

Help your children measure their performance against their own expectations rather than seeking a stamp of approval from other people.  

Instead of determining if they lived up to someone else's standards, encourage them to consider: "Did I accomplish what I set out to do?" and "Am I becoming a better version of myself?" 

3. Help them put social media in context

You probably already know that it's smart to put limits on how much time your kids spend on social media — and how much time you spend on there, too. That doesn't make it easy.

As you talk with your kids about the social media they do encounter, remind them not to compare their bloopers to everyone else's highlight reels. Help them understand that influencers often post carefully tailored impressions that don't reflect real life, and that they shouldn't hold themselves to the impossible standards they come across. 

Encourage them to view social media as largely entertainment, rather than a measuring stick. This can help prevent or at least soften feelings of inadequacy that might otherwise arise. 

4. Help them focus on process versus outcome

When kids focus too much on the outcome of their efforts, it can lead to perfectionism. Instead, teach them to fall in love with the process. 

Especially when they're encountering setbacks in their efforts, ask them:

• "Are you learning along the way here?" 
• "Are you having fun?" 
• "Are you growing and improving?" 

That's the real victory, and by asking these questions, you help them focus on the positives of the journey.  

By no means am I saying they shouldn't strive for a great outcome. But becoming overzealous about results can eat away at kids' mental strength because so many factors besides effort can influence the outcome.  

5. Don't let them get stuck in 'it's not fair'

It's important to help keep children from falling into a victim mentality, which can make them feel and act as if they're powerless. Here's one key question to ask them in such times: "Do you just want things to change, or do you want to change them?"

The former is passive and can induce prolonged periods of wallowing in the sense that "it's not fair." The latter is proactive and helps turn your kids into change-leaders. That can build up their mental strength. 

6. Help them focus on what they can control

A great source of anxiety for kids can come from worrying about things they can't change. 

You can conduct "Control Checks" with them. Ask them to write down all the things they're worried about. Then ask them to circle only what they can control and discuss with them how they could do something about those items. 

Mental strength has a lot to do with putting your energy where it serves you best. This exercise works to narrow down a kid's universe of worry and helps them put energy toward taking action that will improve their circumstance, which can further ease their worry. 

Scott Mautz is a popular speaker, trainer, and LinkedIn Learning instructor. He's a former senior executive of Procter & Gamble, where he ran several of the company's largest multi-billion-dollar businesses. He is the author of "The Mentally Strong Leader: Build the Habits to Productively Regulate Your Emotions, Thoughts, and Behaviors." Follow him on LinkedIn.

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