People who are good at small talk do these 3 things and ‘reap the rewards,' says public speaking expert

It never fails to surprise me how many people are fearless about delivering speeches and presentations to large audiences but paralyzed by the prospect of making small talk.

As a speech and presentation expert, I know that talking to strangers — at work, in the elevator, during social gatherings, or while attending business seminars — requires a kind of courageous improvisation that many people find daunting.  

But those who conquer the art of impromptu conversations reap the rewards. It's professionally and socially beneficial. It's mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy, especially at a time when isolation is considered a risk factor for heart disease and strokes. And it's fun — once you've gotten the hang of it.

Gifted conversationalists are often perceived as being innately gracious and charismatic. But the ability to engage in spontaneous interactions is a learnable skill.

Next time you're wishing you knew how to break the ice with a nice-seeming stranger, walk yourself gently through the following three steps:

1. Let go

Take a breath. You're not storming the beaches at Normandy. You're simply acknowledging the presence of another person and offering a no-strings invitation to chat.

If your attempt to make small talk fails, you'll recover in moments and be stronger for making the effort.

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You may — OK, you likely will — be uncomfortable. Your new conversation partner might also be uncomfortable. You might even be rebuffed. But they might be relieved to have some company. If not, the pain of failure will be fleeting and manageable.  

Now, with your head clear, take a pause to observe whether you're interrupting an ongoing conversation. If there's no cause to suspect your attention will be considered inappropriate, try an approach. 

2. Forget about being deep, cool, or 'real'

When you know in advance that a first conversation may well be shallow or feel inauthentic, it's tempting to decide it's not worth trying. Here's why it is: Every one of your deep, lasting friendships began with some kind of small talk. 

If you can't be clever or deep in the first moments of interaction, so be it. You're making a connection, and that's all that matters. If you have to force or even script your opening lines, it's hardly the end of the world. 

The most common, effective way to break the ice is to comment or ask a question about your surroundings or immediate context: 

• "I can't believe how many people showed up!"
• "Do you know anyone here? I thought I'd know more people."
• "Are you having an OK time?" 
• "How do you like the punch (or the music, the space, etc.)?"

Again, none of these openers are likely to win you the Pulitzer, but exchanging pleasantries doesn't mean you're being shallow or false. You're putting yourself out there. If your words aren't wildly original, so what?

Initial conversations can be about anything. Talk about the weather, sports, hobbies, work, pets, family — pretty much anything except religion, politics, or sex. You can be funny, silly, ironic, reserved, whatever you like, as long as you're polite, brief, and undemanding. 

3. Stop thinking about yourself and focus on the other person

It's all too easy to get distracted by your inner commentary: "I'm so dumb! Omg, I blew it! Why am I talking so loudly! She hates me!" 

Stop it. 

When you over-monitor yourself, your body, your words, or someone else's perception of you, you diminish your ability to listen. 

You've asked this person for their attention; now give them yours. Concentrate on what they're saying and try to intuit why they're saying it. Everything else will come naturally.

You can and should ask questions, but don't interrogate. Allow yourself to take their words in. Allow your conversation partner to know you're paying attention to them. 

If you're not up in your head, you're more likely to be aware of your surroundings and the occasion that's brought you there. This is good. Make your comments fit the moment and connect to the person you're talking to, and you'll both be OK. 

John Bowe is a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of "I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection." He has contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, McSweeney's, This American Life, and many others. Visit his website here.

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